


I want you (exactly like I used to)

by anenemyanenome



Series: I made a mistake [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, brief buck/ocs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29118111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anenemyanenome/pseuds/anenemyanenome
Summary: After Buck’s confession the other night things get a little rough for a while. Just when Eddie feels like they are finally regaining some sense of normalcy, a night out changes everything againOr, after a lot of unnecessary pain, they finally get their happy ending
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: I made a mistake [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136765
Comments: 139
Kudos: 426





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation of [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29111298). Can be read as a stand alone but I recommend reading the other part for context.

After a few months of what felt like torture, Buck and Eddie are finally in a good place again. 

Eddie still flinches when he thinks about that night. How his brain froze the moment Buck’s lips touched his, and how his heart broke the moment he realized Buck had feelings for him... He’s man enough to admit that when Buck left that night, he cried. He couldn’t stop the tears and the quiet sobs that wracked his body as he sat there on the couch. 

He cried for Buck, for breaking his heart so callously right there in his living room. Buck tried to reassure him everything was fine, that he shouldn’t feel guilty, but he saw it. He saw how much he hurt Buck, how desperately Buck wanted to preserve their friendship even as Eddie was breaking his heart. He cried for himself, for feeling like he just destroyed one of the most important friendships in his life just because his heart is cold and numb. He cried for his son, who would no doubt suffer the consequences of his father’s actions, no matter how much he tried to protect him. Because Buck asked for space. He said call me if Christopher needs me, but otherwise I need be somewhere other than here for a while, and that, that meant an empty space had opened right at the center of Chris and Eddie’s lives. A void no one else could fill, as Eddie had unfortunately already learned last year with the lawsuit. 

The next morning was awful. He honestly surprised himself the night before with the intensity of his reaction, considering how dulled everything was lately. However, at the present time he had a headache and a hungry child vying for his attention, he could deal with whatever his fucking damage is another time. He tried to hide what he was feeling from Chris but Chris is so damn smart, so perceptive. He took one look at Eddie and with his little inquisitive face went right for the kill. “What happened?”

Not _did something happen_ , but _what happened_. 

Remembering his oath to himself to try and always be honest with Chris, to do better in showing him he doesn’t have to hide his pain from him, he decided to tell him the truth. A edited version of the truth, but the truth nonetheless.

“Buck is going through a tough time right now so we might not see him as much in the near future. I’m sad about that.” he admits. “He said that if you need him, you can always call him, though, so you have nothing to worry about.”

Chris had asked a lot of questions but in the end, he had understood that it was temporary and it wasn’t anything he had done to push Buck away. Which, in full honesty, only broke Eddie’s heart even more. The way Chris seemed to internalize it every time the adults in his life pulled away from him, made him feel like even more of a failure as a parent.

The first shift after that night was also awful. Even though Eddie promised they could stay friends, he had no idea how to act around Buck now. He had asked for space but he didn’t know if it was just from his house and all the time they spent together outside of work, or from him in general. Should he stay away at work too? 

Mercifully, at the end of the shift Buck came to him. “Please tell me you don’t hate me.”

Eddie almost tripped in his haste to get to him. “I don’t! Buck, I don’t!”

“You ignored me the whole day. You said we could still be friends.” His eyes were red and glossy with unshed tears so Eddie pulled him into a hug, regret bitter on his tongue.

“Buck, no!” He squeezed him tightly, feeling like an asshole. “I’m sorry, damn it. I’m making a mess of things. You told me you needed space, I was just trying to respect that.” 

“Oh.” Buck stepped back a little and Eddie reluctantly let him go. “Now I feel stupid.”

Eddie chuckled wetly. “For what it’s worth, so do I.” 

Buck snorted in response and for a wonderful second it felt like everything was back on the right track, like things were just like before, but then, Buck’s amusement faded and he stepped fully out of Eddie’s space. He pointed over his shoulder with an awkward expression and even more awkward “yeah, I’m uh- my car, uh- bye..”, and Eddie was hit with the harsh reality that no, things were not like before. 

What followed were three very painful and awkward months, filled with dodging questions, maintaining appearances, fake smiles, false starts and aborted movements, but most of all, loneliness.

It’s not like he didn’t know how important and indispensable Buck was to them. It’s not like he didn’t know he would feel like was losing his mind again. He’s not proud of it but there were moments where he couldn’t help but blame Buck for putting them in this situation in the first place. Then he would immediately regret it and feel like a piece of shit for even thinking it.

Buck was clearly suffering too. Eddie hadn’t been on the receiving end of so many sad smiles since Shannon - since she left or since she died, take your pick. 

He just wanted it to end. In his darkest hours, he truly wished for it to end. He knew he was still healing - from Shannon, from Afghanistan, from his entire life at this point – and grief tends to warp our perceptions of reality, but sometimes, sometimes it truly felt like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. He was just doomed to feel like this forever, his heart turned to stone and never ending fury coursing through his veins whenever the veil of numbness lifted.

He felt so numb and dead inside sometimes, that he wondered if he hadn’t died at some point without realizing it. 

Then he would look at his son, at his beautiful son, the only thing he ever did right in this world, and he would feel the love he holds for him break through, the warmth chasing away the coldness, pushing out the rage that every so often threatens to engulf him. He would look at Chris’ dopey smile or his sleeping face, and he would remember how to feel something other than anger again.

It was a never ending cycle of reminding himself that he’s been through so much worse so he obviously can get through this, and succumbing to the numbness and the rage when he was all by himself. It's moments like that that guilt crawled into his every pore. When he's laying down on his bed at night, alone with his thoughts, he imagines he reeks with it, the acrid and bitter scent of shame and regret permeating the air around him and suffocating him.

Therapy has helped him find some strategies for when he feels like he’s drowning. He’s getting better, he is, but there are still times where all he feels is cold and angry.

Eventually, though, things did get back to normal. It took a conscious effort, to rebuild without resentment, but Eddie would venture to say that they are back to where they were before that fucking night.

About two weeks ago, Buck had come in to work with a different energy, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he’d asked if Chris and Eddie wanted to go with him to the shelter he was volunteering at that weekend. Eddie had said yes, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm, and the afternoon they spent together felt like just like old times. 

During the week Buck came over two more times, Chris not letting him out of his sight the entire time. He’s pretty sure Chris knows Eddie was the culprit for how little he saw his Buck lately, and the way he monopolized Buck’s time and kept glancing nervously between them when they were talking to each other, pretty much confirmed it. 

Right now, they’re all out at a bar, the kids safe at Bobby and Athena’s, and Eddie is on his way back to their table after a brief detour to the bathroom. He is both nervous and excited about tonight. He and Buck haven’t hung out like this in what feels like ages, and he has to make sure nothing goes wrong. 

He doesn’t want a repeat of the last three months.

“What’s going on?” He shouts over the music as he sits back on his seat. Chim and Hen are the only ones still there, Buck probably getting them another round, and they’re both looking at something at the bar and being loud. Eddie can’t quite catch what they’re saying.

“That guy is hitting on Buck.” Hen informs him gleefully pointing at the bar.

Eddie follows her finger and yup, that’s a very attractive man in Buck’s personal space. A small knot he’s not ready to examine forms in his throat. 

Chim scoots closer to Eddie. “We’re betting on it, you in?” 

Eddie frowns. He already knows he’s going to hate this. “What’s the bet?”

Hen counts it on her fingers. “One, is he gonna realize that man is flirting with him? Two, if he does, how is he gonna react?”

Hen proceeds to tell him she thinks Buck is too oblivious and he’s not going to notice, and Chim says he’s going to notice and then get all awkward and flustered and run back to the table.

Eddie raises his eyebrows. When has Buck ever been bashful about getting hit on? Eddie didn’t know him at height of his womanizer career but he’s been around long enough to see Buck getting hit on, time and again, and at most he gets uncomfortable when the person doesn’t get the hint. Like the soccer mom last week. Buck was not the only one to lose his patience with her that day.

Why does Chim think Buck is going to be flustered and awkward, though? Buck is an expert at navigating these kinds of situations. 

He looks back at Buck and the guy. They seem to be having a perfectly normal conversation, even if the guy is leaning a little too much into Buck’s space for Eddie’s taste. 

A thought suddenly crosses his mind. Do they think Buck will be uncomfortable because it’s a guy? Do they not know that Buck is bi? 

He looks at them but they’re back to focusing on Buck.

They don’t know, he realizes. 

Now that he’s thinking about it, he doesn’t remember Buck ever talking about it in front of them. He had just assumed that Buck had told them before he joined the team, but he’s now realizing they’ve only ever talked about it when they were alone.

Buck comes back to the table before he can say anything, and pauses when he notices they’re all looking at him. 

“What?”

Hen coughs under her breath making Chimney laugh. “Clueless.”

Buck arches an eyebrow at them and then looks at Eddie for clarification. Eddie shrugs like he doesn’t know what’s going on either. Buck rolls his eyes and sits back down on his seat. “Whatever.”

The rest of the night goes calmly. As calmly as an utterly plastered Hen and Chim allow it to be. At some point Hen loudly demands her 20 bucks from Chim, and when Buck asks them what for, she shushes him at full volume with a hand over his mouth “Shu-shush, boy! We’re con- uh conducing business over here.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s conducting.” Buck says removing her hand from his face.

Eddie smirks at that. It’s not often that Buck is the one correcting other people. 

Sometime later Buck says he’s going home and tells Hen and Chim to get an Uber because they’re absolutely trashed. 

Eddie laughs at Hen’s indignation. He’s not drunk, he switched to water a long time ago, so he’s just enjoying the show. 

He watches Buck leave for a second with a wistful smile on his face. That went better than expected. He turns back to the table but then his eyes do a quick double take as he registers what he saw. The guy from before is following Buck to the exit. 

Uneasiness pools in his chest and he makes a split second decision. “Be right back.” He throws at the other two and is promptly ignored. Whatever, they’re not going anywhere.

Tension settles over his shoulders as he puts his jacket on and follows them out the bar. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. The guy didn’t seem to be the type to not take no for an answer when he was talking to Buck, but maybe he was just biding his time until he could get him alone.

Eddie follows them out to the parking lot and sees Buck a bit up ahead, rummaging through his pockets, looking for his car keys. He tries to be quiet and keep his distance in case he’s wrong, but he doesn’t want to be too far if Buck needs his help so he’s only a few steps behind. 

Just as Buck is approaching his car and unlocking it, the guy catches up to him and grabs his arm to turn him around and press him against his car. 

Eddie feels his blood boil and is about to pounce when he hears Buck laugh at whatever the guy says to him. His eyes widen as Buck puts his arms around the guy’s shoulders with a smirk and actually presses into him. 

Eddie quickly ducks behind a car and puts a hand over his chest trying to return his breathing back to normal. He might have grossly misunderstood what was going on. He can only imagine what would have happened if he had actually intercepted the guy, holy shit.

He hears the guy’s deep voice from behind him. It carries too easily in the silent parking lot and Eddie would be able to hear him even if he didn’t want to. “I can’t believe you made me wait for two hours.”

Buck’s voice is both coy and cocky. “You don’t think I’m worth the wait?”

Eddie doesn’t know what he feels at hearing Buck like this. He should get out of there, he thinks to himself. Damn it, he’s too close and will probably get caught if he tries to leave now.

“Oh, I know you’re worth the wait.” 

The shock quickly evaporates and turns into something else. He doesn’t even know this guy’s name but he knows that he _hates_ him. He hates how cocky he sounds, like Buck is a sure thing and he’s just playing with his food.

“I did promise you a good time.”

The guy chuckles. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who promised that.” 

His voice sounds muffled. 

Why does his voice sound muffled? Eddie looks around for something that will let him see and finds their reflection on the window of the car in front of him. Buck is fully pressed against his Jeep with his eyes closed and the guy’s face is pressed against his neck. Anger starts to build like a fire in the pit of his stomach and it flickers up dangerously when Buck let’s out a pleased moan.

“Yeah?”

The guy pulls back to look at him and Buck opens his eyes. “I’m gonna make you forget. By the time I’m done with you you’re not even gonna remember your own name much less his.”

His. _His!!_

The flames of his anger climb up his throat, burning everything in their path, threatening to engulf all rational thought. His name. This guy is gonna make Buck forget Eddie’s name. His knuckles crack as he curls his hands into fists. 

Buck sounds amused. “Hmm, I’m gonna hold you to that. If I’m still coherent when you’re done, I’m kicking you out without breakfast.”

And with that he claps the guy on the shoulder and turns around to open the door to the driver’s seat. He motions to the other side. “Get in.”

In less than a minute they’re making their way out of the parking lot and Eddie is left standing there with his back against a stranger’s car, fuming. 

When they’re finally out of sight, Eddie puts his hands on his knees and tries to catch his breath. What the ever-loving fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t hate me! I promise there’s a happy ending!
> 
> Edit: Y’all are hilarious and I love your comments. Please keep them coming 😂


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, they have the day off. It’s Harry’s birthday party at Bobby and Athena’s and the party with the adults starts at noon. Chris and the other kids stayed over so they could all sing happy birthday at midnight, so they’re meeting them there. 

When Bobby invited them, Eddie and Buck had agreed to ride to the party together. Now, after a mostly sleepless night, Eddie is seriously considering driving on his own. 

He tossed and turned all night, trying to stop his brain from imagining things he did not want to think about. 

Somehow, he finds himself doing the exact opposite. He could just call Buck, or text him, but he opts to go up and get him from his apartment, instead. He tells himself there’s no specific reason for it, he just doesn’t feel like waiting in the car, that’s all. He has a key, he’s early, why not wait inside?

Because he knows what he’s about to walk in on, that’s why not. 

He can’t even meet his own eyes in the elevator mirror. Instead, he leans against the wall, hanging his head and waits for the elevator to reach the right floor. 

Buck doesn’t know that he knows, so he’ll get away with it at least. 

He reaches Buck’s floor and takes a moment to consider if this is really the best idea. The key is already in his hand, so he guesses the decision has been made..

He uses it to get in and is immediately faced with the jackass from last night. The guy is leaning against the counter, a coffee mug in one hand and a fork in the other. There’s an almost empty plate with what looks like eggs in front of him. 

He stayed for breakfast. 

Eddie very pointedly does not think about what that means. 

The guy, who had frozen when Eddie opened the door, lifts a curious eyebrow as he starts chewing again. “Hi.”

Stupid, deep and sultry voice. 

“Hi.” Eddie looks away when he notices a bruise on his neck. “Is Buck upstairs?”

The guy considers him briefly before replying. “Yeah, he’s in the shower. Are you the best friend?”

Eddie looks back at him sharply and notices the mirth dancing in his eyes. Motherfucker. “Yeah, I am.”

The guy hums, amused, and goes back to his breakfast. Eddie is left standing there awkwardly. 

He should not be the one feeling awkward here. He _is_ the best friend, has been for the past 3 and a half years, this asshole is not gonna make him feel like a guest in Buck’s house. He just used his own key to get in, for fuck’s sake. 

He keeps his face neutral as his hatred for this guy grows and decides to make himself at home, thank you very much. He goes directly to where he knows Buck keeps the mugs and pours himself some coffee. 

He decides not to examine why he feels like he won something by drinking Buck’s shitty coffee in silence next to this guy. Like he has something to prove. God, he’s pathetic. Threatened by some guy Buck just met. 

~~A guy who stayed for breakfast.~~

A second later his lips tick upwards. The guy is nothing but an one night stand. Buck is going to come down, tell him to beat it and spend the rest of the day with Eddie. 

“Can I get you anything else?” The guy says pointing to his plate. “I can cook you some eggs.”

And just like that, Eddie is pissed off again. Fuck this guy. Why does he look so smug? Buck told him about Eddie. That much was clear from what he overheard last night. But what did he-

“Eddie.” Buck says in greeting as he comes down the stairs, effectively cutting off Eddie’s train of thought. He doesn’t sound surprised to see him. 

Why doesn’t he sound surprised to see him? Does he know? No. How could he? He probably heard him from upstairs, that’s all. 

Eddie needs to calm down.

“Buck.”

“You could’ve called, you know. You didn’t have to come all the way up.”

He really did, though. 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m a little early so I figured I’d wait for you inside. Preferably with some coffee.” He shakes the coffee mug in his hand. 

Buck chuckles. “Help yourself. Have you eaten?” 

Eddie shakes his head. “No, but I’ll eat at Athena’s. I rather save space for her cooking.” 

Buck nods with a smile then turns to the guy. Eddie still has no idea what his name is. “You have everything you need?”

The guy smirks at the obvious dismissal. “Yeah, let me grab my shoes.”

When Buck looks back at him, Eddie raises a curious eyebrow but Buck just shrugs and busies himself with sorting the dishes scattered on the kitchen island. 

Looks like he’s not getting an explanation. Not that he’s owed one, but he finds it weird that Buck is not even trying to explain who the guy is or why he’s there. 

He figures it might be because there aren’t many other explanations than the truth. It’s pretty clear he’s someone Buck brought home the night before and Eddie is probably the last person he wants to discuss it with. 

In no time the guy leaves, pausing briefly to squeeze Buck’s shoulder and murmur something Eddie doesn’t catch, and they’re out the door as well. Eddie thanks the gods for small mercies when the guy doesn’t kiss Buck in front of him. He doesn’t know if he would have managed to keep a neutral face at that. 

The car ride is short and painless, if not a little awkward, and soon they’re being engulfed in a hug each by a stressed out Athena. 

“Come in, come in! It’s so good to see you both. I feel like I haven’t seen you in months, Buck, how are you?”

Yeah.. he has recently learned that when Buck pulled away from Eddie, he pulled away from the others as well. Eddie still doesn’t know if it was a misguided attempt to leave the rest of his friends available for Eddie, like a weird one-sided custody agreement, or if it was just what he needed for his own sake. 

Whatever the reason, the important thing is that Buck seems to be done with pulling away from his friends and family. Something Eddie is extremely grateful for. 

When Christopher realizes that they’ve arrived, he drops everything to launch himself at Buck, shouting his name excitedly. Buck grabs him under his armpits and lifts him in a hug, spinning him around. “Christopher!”

Athena chuckles from beside Eddie. “It’s like they’re the same age, these two.”

It isn’t, though. Buck plays along with whatever Chris wants, sure, but he doesn’t act like they’re the same age. He acts like a loving parent, Eddie thinks sadly. He acts like Chris is the very best thing in the universe and deserves all the love he can give him. That’s why the last few months have been so hard. Buck fits with them in a way that not even Shannon did. The routine they had was easy and filled with laughter. The hard bits were overshadowed by the fondness and obvious affection Buck held for them. 

Their time apart felt like a shadow had been cast over their house and it suddenly went from loving home to the exact opposite of that. 

Eddie snaps out of it as Chris finally decides to give him attention. “Daddy!”

“Oh, it’s Daddy now, huh? Where was that two minutes ago, huh?”

Chris giggles at his dad being silly and hugs him as tightly as he can to make up for ignoring him moments before. Eddie hugs him back and leans down to kiss the top of his head. 

“Did you have a good time?” He brushes Chris’ curls away from his forehead. 

“Yes!” Chris exclaims excitedly. He proceeds to regale them with the highlights of their apparently very eventful sleepover, and Eddie smiles softly at him. 

He’s so glad they’ve managed to find a family here in LA. He’s so glad that they’ve been welcomed into this family and that his son is so clearly loved and adored by his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I divided it into 4 chapters, they’re already written, I’m just going to review them again in the morning and then I’ll post them. Hope you like them!


	3. Chapter 3

They don’t talk about that guy again. Eddie never learns his name and soon he’s nothing but a distant memory. 

Or so he thought. 

He first notices the pattern when Buck is not as quick to turn people down when they’re out on calls and someone hits on him. 

He gets a few raised eyebrows from the rest of the crew but he never crosses a line and soon it becomes the new normal. 

Then come the stories. 

He suspects he doesn’t have any stories of his own because Buck is purposefully hiding it from him. But the others do. 

The first one comes from Chim. They’re relaxing between calls and Chim is talking about Maddie and the pregnancy and it somehow changes into Albert bumping into Buck at a bar and Buck going home with one of Albert’s friends. They gossip about it, Hen makes a joke about the age demographic of the people Buck has slept with and the subject changes quickly to something else, leaving Eddie sitting there with a bad taste in his mouth. 

Then it comes from Maddie herself. She drops by to see Chim, Buck is not on shift that day, and tries to interrogate them about what they think is going on with Buck. 

They were all aware of Buck pulling away for a few months, Eddie knows that much, but he doesn’t think they know the reason behind it. It’s hard to swallow the guilt that pools in his mouth in that moment. 

The issue apparently, is that it’s the third time in as many weeks that Maddie has caught someone leaving Buck’s apartment, after clearly spending the night with him. 

“Did he tell you anything?” She asks him and Eddie shakes his head. 

“No, nothing.” It’s true. Everything he hears is second hand. 

Maddie looks disappointed but doesn’t press him for more.

Another month goes by and she comes back. She chooses another shift she knows Buck is not working and she sits with them trying to gather more information. 

By then the stories have accumulated. Hen saw him out with someone at a coffee shop once, rumpled and wearing what was visibly the clothes from the previous night. Chim went over and there were wine glasses on the coffee table stained with lipstick. The mysterious girl wasn’t there but Buck didn’t deny it when Chim asked him about it. 

All of it wouldn’t be reason of concern if Buck hadn’t spent almost two years saying he was done with casual sex and was looking for a meaningful connection. Chim tells Maddie that maybe that’s what he’s looking for. He just hasn’t found it yet. Maddie very seriously says that if maybe he wasn’t fucking everything that moves, he might have found it already. 

As it is, it all seems to happen on the nights Eddie can’t hang out or is working a different shift. Proving once again that Buck is trying to hide it from him.

Eddie hasn’t tried to broach the subject with him yet because he feels that Buck is hiding it for a reason, and the least he can do is respect that. 

That doesn’t stop him from wanting to punch something every time he hears about it. Because he does hear about it. All the time. 

It’s non stop. It’s like they’re trying to keep a tally of all the people Buck has slept with since they started noticing the pattern. 

Exhausted and absolutely done with the subject, Eddie asks one day. “Do you really think he’s back to Buck 1.0?” 

He hates this idea of Buck 1.0 vs Buck 2.0, the first one being discussed as bad person, unredeemable, now dead and buried, and the second one like a completely new person that rose from the ashes of who he was before.

Maybe he hates it because Abby seems to be the connecting factor between the two. The one that took Buck 1.0, the asshole, and turned him into Buck 2.0, the boy who’s finally worth loving. He hates it. He hates her and he hates the idea that Buck was undeserving of love before. That he’s not the same person, just older and wiser.

It is how Buck refers to himself, however, so that’s what Eddie uses too. 

“No.” Hen replies honestly. “He was so much worse back then.”

“True.” Chim interjects.

“He would _brag_ about it.” Hen confesses with a grimace. “He would flaunt it. It was like working with a frat guy, honestly.. Now he’s being professional, at least. It’s his personal life I’m worried about. After all that talk about changing and becoming a better person and finding love, it just doesn’t fit with what he’s doing.” 

Eddie keeps hearing about it, unable to escape their gossip, until he reaches a breaking point. And this time, it’s not second hand information.

Chris and Eddie had spent the evening with Buck and were on their way home when Chris decides to inform Eddie that he forgot his backpack at Buck’s. Eddie had asked him if he really needed the bag or if could wait until Eddie got it for him the next day, but Chris told him his homework was in there and it was due tomorrow. Tired, Eddie turned the car around and drove back to Buck’s. 

When Eddie finally reaches Buck’s building he sees that Chris is already asleep, so he decides to make use of the private garage in Buck’s building. He knows the code so it’s easy to get in. He will only be a minute and the garage has cameras and restricted access, so he feels safe leaving Chris in the car.

He uses his key to get in and shouts so Buck won’t be startled by his presence. “Hey, sorry, it’s just me! Chris forgot his backpack.” 

There‘s a noise from upstairs and then a female voice follows it. “Who is that?”

Eddie freezes in his tracks and looks up. Buck head pops up to peer down at him and they are locked in a staring contest for a few seconds. 

Then the girl calls Buck’s name and the spell is broken. Buck turns slightly to answer her question. “A friend.”

When Buck turns back to Eddie, Eddie can’t help the frown on his face.

“Seriously?” He whisper-shouts. “I was gone for like 30 minutes!”

Buck shrugs helplessly like he had no control over this happening and Eddie shakes his head. Whatever. 

He spots Chris’ backpack in the corner propped against the couch. He grabs it and heads out the door without looking back, not quite slamming it behind him, but close. 

Eddie and Chris left thirty minutes ago, at best. How in the hell does Buck already have someone in his bed? 

He’s glad he didn’t see the girl’s face. Otherwise she would have become yet another one of the faces that torment him when he can’t sleep. Along with that jackass who promised to make Buck forget Eddie’s name. 

His hand curls into a first. Fuck that guy. Fuck all of this. He punches the wall of the elevator and it shakes with a groan. Ok, bad idea. No more losing control in an elevator. 

Before he gets back in the car he takes a minute to calm down. He can’t be flying off the handle with Chris in the car. He does a couple of breathing exercises until he feels ready to drive back home. He focuses on the road and refuses to engage with the anger bubbling in his chest. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to Chris because of him. 

The next day finds Eddie being snappish and short with pretty much everyone. He spent most of the night tossing and turning, then when his anger actually gave him heartburn, he got up and subjected himself to a punishing routine of push-ups, sit-ups and jumping jacks in his backyard that had almost left him unable to get up and get back inside. 

As he changes back into his civilian clothes after a grueling shift he’s saddened to realize that even at the peak of exhaustion, a fire still burns inside him. He curls his hands at his sides, trying to keep the flames at bay but they lick at his throat from the inside. He should really consider why, why now, why so all consuming, this anger, but he can’t. Not right now.

To make matters worse, Buck absolutely knows why he’s been an asshole all day. It’s not hard when he’s been the biggest target of his bad mood out of all of them. Before heading to the showers Buck had asked him to come over later. Eddie had grunted a yes and is now regretting it.

He doesn’t want to talk to Buck. Whatever it is that he wants to say to Eddie, he already knows he’s not going to like it. He knows it’s going to feed his wrath, he’s going to snap at some point and then he’ll go back home filled with regret and resentment aimed at none other than himself.

He heads over to Buck’s a few hours later anyway. 

He knocks. He’s not really sure why, but it feels like a knocking kind of situation. Buck looks at him weird when he opens the door, no doubt wondering why Eddie didn’t just use his key. 

Buck offers him a beer and they sit on the couch. He seems to understand that Eddie is not going to start a conversation because he sighs and does it himself. “You’re being kind of a dick today.”

Eddie uses his nails to scratch at the label of the beer he’s holding. He takes a sip then grunts an affirmative. 

Buck huffs but seems to accept it for what it is; Eddie’s acknowledgement that yes, he’s being a dick today, he’s aware. 

“Okay, caveman, I can’t help but think that it has something to do with last night.”

Eddie clenches his jaw and looks away, which is an answer in and of itself.

“Want to explain why you’re so pissed off, then?”

No. He doesn’t. He tries something else instead.

“Why are you doing this?”

“What do you mean?”

“The one night stands.”

Buck raises his eyebrows. “Uh- is this a trick question? ‘Cause I don’t really know how to explain to you that sex feels good.”

“That’s obviously not what I meant and you know it.”

Buck finally shows his first sign of discomfort. “I don’t know what kind of answer you want.”

“An honest one, for starters. One minute you’re done with casual sex, the next there’s a parade of people in and out of your apartment. Even I lost count at this point.”

Buck grimaces. “It hasn’t been that many.”

“That’s besides the point, you can sleep with however many people you want. The thing that doesn’t add up is the sudden change of heart.”

The look Buck throws at him says that Eddie should know exactly why the sudden change of heart. 

Eddie swallows around the lump in his throat. 

“I get that things are different now, between us.” he starts, unable to meet his eyes. “I know that’s my fault and that I made everything harder for you, but it feels like you’re living this double life behind my back.”

Buck frowns at him. “Eddie, it’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way.”

Eddie continues like he hadn’t spoken. “I feel like everybody knows about your life except for me. We spend a lot of time together, a lot of time with Chris and I keep thinking that we’re good, then I turn around and all I hear is stories about you with someone at a coffee shop, someone at a bar, Maddie showing up here and there’s always someone in your bed, Chim and his fucking story about the lipstick on the wine glasses, like that makes him some kind of detective. I keep hearing about this whole other life you’re living and keeping from me. Yesterday was just the cherry on top, I guess. It was just proof that you’re actively trying to keep things from me and that as soon as I leave your side, that’s what you’re doing.”

Buck considers him for a moment then seems to make a decision about something. 

“Look, I never told you, but, a while back, before the whole..” he makes a gesture to indicate the whole clusterfuck that was the night Buck kissed him. “..I started seeing a therapist. She helped me with some stuff from my past, with my parents, with Maddie, Abby, I don’t know, lots of things. But a big part of it was about me learning how to let go of the things I can’t control and about being honest about my feelings.”

Eddie had no idea Buck had started going to therapy. After he learned of what happened with Buck’s first therapist, he had kinda understood why he was so adamant about not going every time someone suggested it to him. He’s glad Buck decided to go in the end, even if he has a feeling he’s not gonna like what Buck is going to say next. 

“You and me?” Buck continues, pointing between them. “This is not something I can control. A few weeks ago I realized; I can’t change how I feel. It doesn’t matter if I take some time away, if I take a step back and focus on getting over you, I’m still- I’m still in love with you.”

Buck looks away and Eddie feels the blood drain from his face. Love. Buck is in love with him. Deep down he knew Buck didn’t just like him, this whole situation was too painful for just _like_ , but to hear the words out loud, well, that’s a whole new level of painful. 

“No matter how much I try to change it, you are it for me, Eddie. At least, that’s how it feels right now.”

Buck wraps his arms around himself and shrugs. “I’m not closing myself off forever, but for now, it doesn’t feel like what I feel about you is gonna change, so I figured, you don’t love me back, I’m not going to sit around agonizing over it. I’m going to go back to the one thing I’m good at, and that’s one night stands. It’s always been all that people seem to want from me, so why try to fight it when I can just accept it and have some fun while I’m at it? Besides, I could use the company.”

Is this why Buck suddenly returned to work like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders? Was it all due to this asinine idea of devoting himself to meaningless sex because he thinks Eddie will never love him back and that’s all people from him? Oh, Eddie is angry again. 

“Are you kidding me? Is this why you decided to talk to me again? Because you twisted what your therapist said and somehow got it in your head that fucking random strangers is all you’re good for?”

Buck gives him a sardonic laugh. “What’s that saying, the truth will set you free?”

“Buck, you can’t be serious. That is so fucking stupid.”

“Oh, shut up.” He says with an eye roll. 

“Buck, you hated it! How many times did you tell me you hated doing that? That it made you feel used and-“

“What the fuck do you want me to do!!” Buck interrupts with a shout and stands up opening his arms. “What do you want from me, man?! Tell me, seriously, what am I supposed to do here?”

Eddie’s hands clench in his lap. “I don’t know.” 

“Do you want me to pull away again?”

“No!” everything but that, dios. Three months was punishment enough. 

“I don’t know how else to be around you, man.”

“What does having sex with strangers have to do with being around me?” He asks through gritted teeth. What the fuck is wrong with Buck’s head?

Buck rolls his eyes again and starts heading for the stairs. “Forget it, man. Lock the door on your way out.”

“Wait, what!” Eddie rushes to get up and follow him, almost getting whiplash from the sudden change of tone.

“I’m serious.” Buck says as he stops to look at Eddie. “I’m not in the mood for this. Either you accept this is what I’m doing now and we find a way to salvage this friendship, or you don’t and you can fuck right off.”

Eddie tries to plead with him. “Buck.”

“I’m not kidding. Fuck off.”

Eddie is still reeling when he reaches his car. He stares at the steering wheel and tries to figure out how everything went to shit so fast and he shortly finds the answer. His anger. If he had managed to control himself and not let anger get the best of him, Buck wouldn’t have told him to get out. 

_Fuck off._ Buck actually told him to _fuck off._ A strangled laugh escapes his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this where you thought this was going? 😅
> 
> One more to go, happiness is just around the corner


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy here we go

Eddie arrives back at his place and texts Buck immediately, offering him an apology. He hadn’t expected the conversation to go well, but he never thought it would be so disastrous. 

Buck replies with a thumbs up emoji and that seems to be the extent of it, he’s forgiven.

If there is one thing Buck seems to take from their fight is that he’s done hiding. If before Eddie was hearing the stories in second and third hand, now he’s seeing everything, up close and no filters. 

Buck is careful not to do it when he knows Chris will be coming too but that seems to be about it. Whenever he’s alone, he has a long list of people only a text away, who will gladly distract him until he has company again. 

Eddie doesn’t even know if the number of people has increased or if he was just clueless before, but each new person is like a nail being hammered into his chest. He feels like with each one he adds to his mental tally, he has less and less of a grip on his sanity. 

He tries not to do a repeat of the other day. He turns that anger inwards and leaves his friends alone, but sometimes it escapes from him and he can only communicate in grunts and frowns, desperately trying not to lash out at them. 

Chim asks him what the hell is wrong with him lately and Eddie can’t tell him the truth. Can’t tell him how he pushed Buck away and is now stewing in his own misery instead of doing something about it. _Pinche cobarde_. He just says something about his parents and how they’ve been giving him a hard time lately. 

The message seems to be passed to the others because he gets sympathetic looks for the rest of the day instead of irritated ones. 

He should feel bad for lying but the truth is, his parents _have_ been giving him a hard time lately. They have impeccable timing, as always, and decided that enough time has passed since Shannon’s death, so it’s time to start pushing Eddie to date someone. Someone from El Paso. A nice local girl they can keep on a tight leash and use as yet another way to control his life. 

He tries to dodge their calls but rapidly changes his mind as threats of an upcoming visit reach him through the grapevines. The grapevines being his sisters. 

Adriana is on his side but Sophia, like usual, is on their parents side. She seemed to take the obsessive way their parents controlled them as they were growing up and decided that that’s how she wanted to live her life as an adult. Eddie has seen how overbearing she is with her own children.

He doesn’t get it. As a teenager all he ever wanted was to run away, he and Adriana must’ve concocted a thousand different plans to escape, and as an adult, well, he did run away, to the army, to LA...

How Sophia managed to become exactly like their parents is something he’s never going to understand. 

“Why don’t you listen to them?” she rants on the phone one night. “Why do you always have to make everything so difficult for everybody else?”

“How am I making it difficult for other people if I’m just trying to live my life? I haven’t asked you, or them, for anything since I moved.” 

“But they’re worried about you. You could just do them a favor and come back.” 

Guilt tripping was always their preferred method of communication when it came to Eddie. 

“Why do you even want to stay in LA? All I hear about is catastrophe after catastrophe. What could you possibly have keeping you there?”

“We’re not doing this again. If you wanna call me to see how Chris and I are doing, you’re more than welcome. If you’re just going to do a weird imitation of our parents, I pass, I’ve seen that play too many times already.”

“You’re a dick.”

“Yeah, what else is new.”

“You’re being selfish. I don’t get why you’re like this, Eddie. All mom and dad want is for you to be happy. Which you could be, if you moved here and met someone who could help you with Chris.”

Eddie decides to be childish then. “I- rshrshhh you’re breaking- rshshshhhh .. up! rshhhh... I can’t-“

“Dickhead!” Sophia shouts over the noise. Eddie smirks and ends the call. 

His solace is Chris. 

Every time his skin tingles with the urge to go back to that fighting ring, he thinks about Chris. His hope is to develop some sort of Pavlovian response, where the mere sight of his son is enough to wash away the violence that settles in his bones sometimes. 

He thinks telling Chim about his parents was what prevented another serious talk from Bobby. He merely gave him a recommendation for a chiropractor after watching Eddie crack his neck and his jaw one too many times. 

He just can’t help it. Trying to keep a handle on his emotions like this is taking a toll on his body. The multiple injuries he’s accumulated over the years plus the way he keeps his body tense all day, leave him almost unable to leave his bed sometimes with how much he aches. 

The chiropractor helps somewhat, gotta give Bobby that. 

His sanity, though. His sanity is hanging by a thread. If he walks in on Buck with someone one more time, that thread is going to snap. 

In hindsight, it’s funny that this is what breaks him. It’s been months by this point. One would expect him to do something about it sooner.

It’s the end of a twelve-hour shift for both of them and they’re exiting the station together, making plans to take Chris to a see a movie he’s been wanting to see since last month.

“Just think of all that popcorn sticking to the bottom of your shoes, Eddie. How can not be looking forward to that??” Buck teases him. 

Eddie groans as he remembers. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to clean his crutches after we went to see Frozen 2? It was like he dipped them in candy and popcorn, I don’t get it.”

Buck laughs at his misery. Eddie had texted him all afternoon with progress updates and Buck had replied to each one of his messages with Frozen gifs and nothing else. 

“This time it’s on you. I refuse to go through that again.”

“I’ll just buy him new ones. Simple.” Buck explains bumping their shoulders together. 

“Do you know how expensive those are?”

Buck shrugs. “Don’t care. Beats having to clean them.”

Someone clears their throat and they both turn in the direction of the sound. Eddie’s easy smile morphs into a frown as soon as he sees who’s standing there.

Fuck this guy.

The jackass from that night months ago is leaning against Buck’s Jeep looking at Buck expectantly. 

“Hi.”

Eddie stays frozen on the spot but Buck moves closer to greet him. “Oh, hey. What are you doing here?”

With a grin the guy brings his arms around Buck for a quick hug, one hand lingering on his shoulder when he pulls back. “I just got back into town and I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink or something.”

“How did you know where to find me?”

“Well, I didn’t save your number but I remembered you saying you were a firefighter at the 118, which I memorized because it’s the fire emergency number back home and I thought it was funny, so I just thought I’d look for you here.”

Buck regards him curiously. “You have a good memory.”

“Let’s just say you left an impression.”

Buck snorts at the wink the guy throws at him and gets a warm smile in return. Scratching at the back of his neck, the guy carries on. “I was actually here earlier, but I was told you were out on a call and I should come back at the end of your shift.”

“They were right, otherwise you would’ve waited a long time. I’m done for the day, though.”

The guys lifts his eyebrows. “Yeah? Does that mean you’re free for a drink?”

Buck looks back at Eddie like he just remembered he was still standing there. “Do you need my help with anything tonight?”

Eddie has to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth in order to respond. “Um, no?”

Buck nods and turns to the guy again. “Do you have your car?”

A pleased smile spreads across his face. “Nope. I Ubered here.”

“Presumptuous.” Buck teases as he unlocks the jeep. 

The guy goes around to the passenger side and beams at him. “I prefer optimistic.”

For the second time, Eddie is left standing there as those two drive away in Buck’s car. 

“Eddie?” 

Bobby’s voice startles him out of his thoughts and he turns around to see Bobby looking at him with a worried frown.

“What are you still doing here? Everything okay?”

“Huh.. I’m..”

Bobby approaches him cautiously. “Eddie?”

Eddie shakes his head in order to compose himself. “Sorry, I was just.. lost in my own head, I guess. What time is it?”

“Time for you to go home and get some sleep, from the looks of it.”

Giving him a embarrassed chuckle, Eddie hitches his work bag on his shoulder. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“Get some sleep.” Bobby shouts after him as he waves and heads for his truck. 

He drives home on autopilot and promptly lets his body drop on the couch like a stringless marionette. 

That guy was asking Buck out on a date, right? 

Was that Buck saying yes?

No. Buck was very clear the other night that he’s not over Eddie, this is just sex. There will probably come a time where he will be, though. 

And this guy sure seems interested in dating him. What if Buck decides to date him anyway and then develops feelings for him? What will Eddie do then?

It might not even be this guy, Eddie realizes, maybe it’s just the next person he meets. Someone will come along and make Buck realize that Eddie isn’t worth all this trouble, and Eddie won’t be able to blame him. 

Chris arrives from school with Carla successfully distracting Eddie from his thoughts for a few hours. It’s not until he has left Chris with his bisabuela for a sleepover and is alone again, that he starts spiraling. 

He tosses and turns as he pictures Buck and the guy together. He hyper-focuses on the hand lingering on Buck’s shoulder after that asshole had pulled him into a hug. So similar to the way he does it himself that he can’t help the possessiveness that overtakes him. _That’s his thing._

Images of hands pressing into naked flesh haunt him every time he closes his eyes. He stares at the ceiling begging his brain to please go to sleep but to no avail. The guy’s smirk taunts him instead. 

He gets up and gets dressed intent on taking a walk but that only serves to make him even more miserable. Now he’s cold on top of unhappy. 

He crouches in the middle of the street clutching his head in his hands and imploring his mind to stop tormenting him with pictures of Buck and that guy.

He can’t take it anymore. 

He doesn’t even look at the time, he just gets his car keys and drives to Buck’s. 

When he gets there, he briefly throws a mental apology to Buck’s neighbors for the noise he makes as he knocks frantically on Buck’s door; he forgot his keys in his rush to leave the house. 

“Buck, open up!” 

The door opens to reveal a confused looking Buck. Eddie wastes no time, his words coming out of him in a jumbled mess. “Stop, okay? Don’t- Don’t do it anymore, please. I can’t-“

Buck looks so disoriented. He’s in his pijamas, or the t-shirt/sweatpants combo he uses to sleep, and his hair is flattened on one side like he was laying down. Probably sleeping. Preferably alone. 

“Eddie? What are you-”

“I’m sorry, okay?” He moves past Buck into the apartment and hears him close the door behind him. As he reaches the center of the open floor plan, he turns around to face him, glad to see there’s no one else in the apartment. “I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I feel like the biggest piece of shit for what I did to you, but I can’t- I can’t watch you do this anymore.”

“Do what?” 

Eddie’s hands are shaking but he has to do this. Buck is going to hate him but he can’t take it anymore. “The one night stands.”

Buck raises his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“I know, okay? I know! I have no right to ask you this, but I can’t keep watching you do it, it’s killing me.”

“Eddie..” Buck sighs like he’s quickly losing his patience and presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose for a second before looking back at him. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying-“ God, why is this so fucking hard. “First, I- I’m saying I’m sorry. Then, I’m saying I-“ He clears his throat trying to get rid of the sudden dryness. “I’m saying I love you and you can’t keep doing this.”

In a weird parallel to when he first learned of Buck’s feelings for him, silence hangs heavy in the air between them. 

Buck’s face offers no clues to what he’s thinking and dread chokes Eddie like a hand around his throat. Someone just put him out of his misery, please. 

After what has to be at least three full minutes, Buck finally moves. He pulls out a chair from the kitchen table and sits down with his arms crossed. He motions with his head for Eddie to take the seat on the other side. 

“You’re saying you love me and can’t keep watching me do this, in a “you’re my friend, I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself” way or in a “I love you and you being with other people is hurting me” way?”

Eddie forces himself to maintain eye contact, calling on everything he has in order to be brave right now. His voice still cracks when he opens his mouth. “The second one.”

“Eddie, what the fuck.”

Eddie hides his face in his hands.

“Eddie, why?” _Why put me through all this?_

There’s no explanation, not really. Eddie is a mess. He’s selfish and he put Buck through hell, but even so, he has the gal to come here and ask Buck to still be in love with him.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Since when?”

Eddie hunches his shoulders at Buck’s harsh tone and looks at his hands. In a mumble, he replies. “I don’t know.”

“Hey!” Buck smacks on the table to get him to look up. “When.”

Eddie leans back in his chair in defeat. The admission leaves him feeling raw. “Today? Always? Both?”

“Get out.” 

“Buck.”

He looks furious. He doesn’t even say it again, he just shakes his head and points at the door. 

Eddie’s heart falls to the ground. Of course. 

He knew what he was doing coming here tonight. If he was honest with himself, he had been expecting nothing short of Buck kicking him out again.

He nods, accepting his fate.

How does he always manage to fuck up so spectacularly? He just hopes Buck forgives him at some point. He has to. Right?

Fuck, why was he such a fucking coward? He’s ruined the second best thing in his life, just because he was afraid. Terrified of letting himself be loved, be known, of inviting someone in too see how truly broken he is inside. He’d been so lost inside his own head, trapped in his grief and inability to move on, unwilling to accept that maybe he was not as straight as he thought, and now, now everything is ruined. 

He’s almost to the door when he hears Buck’s chair fall to the floor.

“No, wait! Don’t go.”

Eddie turns around and is startled by Buck’s hands grabbing his face and dragging him into a bruising kiss. 

It takes him a second to process what’s happening but when he does he grabs at Buck’s clothes with desperation, silently begging him to not let go. 

Buck’s kiss is hard, a testament to his anger. He can taste how furious he is just from the way he presses into Eddie. There’s a softness there, though. An obvious care with which Buck is cradling his face, even through his anger, that leaves Eddie breathless and helpless to the way his eyes prickle behind his eyelids. He has never felt so cherished, so loved. (It’s only right that it comes with anger and fury, the only way he knows how to be sometimes). He’s pretty sure he makes a wounded noise by the way Buck reacts. 

His hands tighten on Eddie’s face and he uses his body to push him against the door. Eddie whimpers, keeping the material of Buck’s shirt gripped tight in his hands, afraid he’ll pull away, afraid it will all be over too soon. He has nothing to worry about as Buck proceeds to show him. He pushes his entire body flush against Eddie’s, his heat enveloping him until there’s nothing else Eddie can feel.

Why did he wait so long for this moment? Why did he deprive himself and Buck of this? Why did he let his fear take over? He has hurt Buck so much. He can’t even comprehend how Buck can bear to kiss him after all he’s put him through. His chest squeezes in fear. He hopes Buck doesn’t regret this. 

Buck pulls back from the kiss finally and presses their foreheads together. 

“Buck..” 

Eddie’s voice shakes with reverence as he stares at the beautiful man in front of him. He brings a hand up to cover Buck’s right cheek where a tear trails down his face.

Buck bumps his forehead against Eddie’s and Eddie closes his eyes. Fuck. 

Buck clears his throat. “I’m so mad at you right now, we’re gonna have a serious conversation about this later, but for now, you’re going to kiss me and come back upstairs with me, because I’ve been waiting for this moment for way too long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say I don’t totally agree with their actions in this. I think Eddie has a lot of shit he needs to work on and I think that Buck has the worst reactions to things. He always escalates. But they do love each other, however convoluted the path they took to get here is. 
> 
> On Eddie: from what I’ve seen in the show, Eddie seems to still be processing his grief. He mentions to Frank that he doesn’t feel things anymore. Not when they save people, not when he should be proud of Chris. And we’ve seen how he seems to twist all of that into anger and the need for a violent outlet. He also has a guilt complex the size of the moon. Add that to an ongoing sexuality crisis and you have this 😅  
> That’s where I was coming from with most of this fic, anyway. 
> 
> I might write another small epilogue where they talk it out and Eddie finally explains himself.  
> I was so nervous to post this. Thank you so much for your comments, it’s honestly what kept me going ❤️❤️
> 
> fun fact: the fire emergency number in switzerland is 118. I don’t know how you pictured that guy in your head, I was vague on purpose, but that’s where he grew up idk 😂


End file.
